As I walked our dog I had time to think, as often happens, and the phrase about a broken clay jar came to my mind. I had been wondering why I was experiencing such grief and sadness when a friendship recently ended and it occurred to me that the loss went beyond the broken friendship. As I reflected over the last few years I thought of other losses, such as the miscarriage I experienced after much time spent undergoing fertility treatment, during which we became healthy through good diet and exercise (to maximise our fertility).
Almost a year later we were informed that my sister was to go through a
pregnancy loss of her own and while living interstate I attempted to offer words and prayers of support, whilst attempting to off support to our mother who has been struggling with major health issues of her own, which have restricted her capacity to enjoy life to the full. My father has undergone health issues too, although he remains healthy and fit over all. Being so far away has made it difficult to stay connected at times and I have grieved for lost moments, which would have been shared had we lived close enough to see my family more often in person.
During the last few years we moved to a new town and there was a loss of friendships and activities experienced in that town, although our family then had the opportunity to begin new activities and establish other friendships. The moving and re-establishing ourselves takes its toll, despite the broadening of one’s horizon, as one becomes known and becomes familiar with new people and activities. There was the incident of domestic violence which occurred following our move which shocked us all and over which much heartbreak continues to occur.
What then appeared to follow, was ‘inappropriate’ behaviour that our son began exhibiting whenever he socialised and to which we assumed pointed to his grief over the miscarriage, the adjustments of our move and the stresses of the DV that impacted on our family. It later turned out to be a symptom of “Mild Autism” (as it is now defined in DSM5), and which led to my own diagnosis of “Aspergers” (no longer in the DSM, but equivalent to “Moderate Autism”), which has generally been a blessing.
In the last few years there have been tensions in the parish in which my husband serves, with a minority group wanting to “get rid” of him! Although these people have stepped down from leadership positions, it’s left some scars, as they were amongst the first people to welcome us into the parish when we arrived, and showed substantial support for the first couple years of living here. However, the support of other active members has also become more obvious, as they have verbalised their hope that we decide to stay on, now that my husband has a “call” to another parish. As I reflect on past parish life, there have been hurts caused by those who seemed to expect ‘perfection’ from us, amidst the many enthusiastic and loyal people who could be relied on to lend a hand or show support in various ways.
And as I look back on my many failed attempts to secure a job over the years, in various capacities, I have grappled with knowing how to present myself in a positive light, which makes me “employable“. Further to this has been the lack of jobs, especially when I first graduated which coincided with a recession, thus finding relief work became challenging and securing anything more lasting impossible! I’ve scoured the bottom of the barrel, searching for ways to learn new skills and have volunteered in various areas, with many dead ends and few moments of feeling satisfied within the workplace!
Going further back in time, I’m still affected by a major car accident in which I was involved in 1985, along with my sister who sustained serious head injuries. (Although she has made a miraculous recovery over the years, and has achieved some remarkable goals in her life.) I am personally never 100% relaxed while in a motor vehicle, especially in heavy traffic. I find it challenging driving to new places without a navigator and as a result we invested in a GPS, for better or worse!
On returning home from the walk with our dog, I began looking up the phrase “broken clay jar” and related to this phrase were the Bible passages Leviticus 15:12 and 2 Corinthians 4:7, as well as a sermon at Sermon Central and plenty of sites suggesting what can be made with broken clay jars or pots from gardeners and artists. The idea that God can best use us for His glory when we are broken has sometimes confused me a little, as I realised I have been harbouring resentment towards Him for some of the other losses in my life, which continue to affect me in subtle ways.
But life has been producing more losses and disappointments as time progresses and I have been starting to loose hope and thus motivation, to keep striving towards my dreams and goals. My studies are going by the wayside, as I have failed to keep up with the necessary readings and required assessments and I grow more and more frustrated with myself and wonder how I will catch up! I have begun exercising less and have felt less motivated (or have lacked the necessary energy) to keep up with basic household tasks. My patience is sometimes wearing thin and becoming disillusioned with life in general, I have begun to withdraw and have spent less quality time with my husband and son.
I know now that I need to somehow get back on track, without regretting my mistakes and counting my losses before I attempt something new – without always comparing myself to those around me as a benchmark. I’ve been such a perfectionist that I’ve begun to give up before I try something new, expecting to fail, rather than giving it my best effort. The imperfections of those around me have impacted on me and rather than shrugging off harsh or unwarranted criticism, I’ve taken it to heart and retreated inside my shell, frightened to step out in case I’m hurt again. I’ve been relying on my own strength and have forgotten to rely on God and His everlasting love and wisdom, which embraces and restores me despite my weaknesses and flaws – in a way that no other human being can.
